'mucings from stall #2...

You'll remember - loyal reader - that my throne lies in Stall #2 in the men's room here at the office. Yesterday, I was reigning over my kingdom, granted an audience by the royal porcelain, when something rather shocking occurred. I will get to that. But first, allow me to provide some background behind my visit to the promised land.

You see, I've recently added a new supplement to my diet. Recommended by a friend who will remain anonymous, I've started drinking a cupful of Metamucil each evening. Now, many will be distracted or turned off by the line on the label reading "Natural Laxative / Fiber Supplement". After all, isn't a laxative something for the irregular - an insensitive medical intruder to the body's natural working order? Keep in mind that this body's system requires a healthy level of fiber, a level mostly unprovided for in today's modern diet. I'll only refer to the 'muce as a 'fiber supplement'.

The 'muce.

Another misconception: this dietary supplement does not over-soften or loosen one's business. In fact, it does quite the opposite. It firms up the loose, messy stuff while softening the hard "cue-ball" poos. In fact, my visits have not only been more pleasant and more consistent - they have been quicker and cleaner. I have a record number of "2-wipers" to my name*. My 'muce of choice is the Orange Flavor Smooth Texture: tasty, and it goes down easy.

Which brings us to the shocking event mentioned in my introduction.

I entered the men's room to see an empty urinal (stall #1) and a closed door to the obviously occupied stall #3. Either good karma or fate smiled upon me, but my morning ritual had obviously been blessed. After my standard wiping of the seat with a wad of toilet paper (stall #2, by the way, has some heavenly TP), I placed my buttocks upon the seat.

A light tap-tap-tap-scroll sound emanated from the stall to my left (#3), indicating a BlackBerry user (I have no issue with BB use on the throne - the BB is a personal device after all, just save the conversation for later - stick to email). The sound drew my eyes to the floor, utilizing a well-known method to attempt to identify my colleague and neighbor by shoe. I saw the following:

The uber-ugly and classically-outdated tassel shoe.

Only one coworker came to mind as both a BB user and tassel shoe wearer, and I smiled as we silently shared a ritual common to man-kind the world around.

Next, dear reader, the most shocking event occurred. The BB was holstered with a click, toilet paper was rolled off the brown paperboard tube, the toilet was flushed, the pants raised, belt buckled. The stall #3 door was opened. And then. THEN. My colleague and neighbor simply walked out of the men's room.

There was no sound of running water from the sink, no clunk-clunk from the soap pumps, no paper towels pulled from the stack. Dirty hands amongst the masses. I was shocked, dismayed, and suffered a momentary spinning of coffee-with-cream colored stall walls. While I always wash up before leaving the men's room, I can understand the thought behind skipping a rinse after use of the urinal. But it is inexcusable to leave unwashed after a #2.

I finished up my business, washed up, and returned to my day slightly off balance. And slightly skeptical about the world around me. If a tassel-shoed, old-schooler wise to the ways of the world can go unwashed, who else is sullying our environment with a lack of regard for fellow man?

My challenge to you, reader, is this: Help me determine how can I prevent this from happening in the future. Please, for the love of humanity, help us all.

*It is well known that the best wiping record possible is 2 wipes. The first wipe comes back clean, while the second wipe is known as the "Wipe of Disbelief".

Regularity...

One of the constants in my life, one thing I can rely on day-in, day-out is my daily 9 am meeting in the tiled office stall. At 8:45 am, I can feel the system begin to percolate. As the 9 o'clock hour approaches, the brew is almost complete, and I head down the hall. Past the "WOMEN" placard, through the swinging wooden door, past the one urinal, and into the first of 2 bathroom stalls.

This center location is key, because the second spot is more popular, most likely due to it's more "private" feel. After all it is in the corner. So why abandon the slight increase in privacy? Well at 9 am, no one has yet used the center stall. The water remains blue from the prior night's cleaning. The seat is down, sparkling and reflective; it awaits my cheeks. It is my throne. I feel like it was shined for me and me alone.

This constancy is vital in my daily sanity. I feel healthy, cleansed. I am allowed a quiet moment to reflect. I am the king of the porcelain.

Two things really tend to jam up the works and prevent me from ruling over my kingdom of tile and grout. One is dining out. Restaurant foods and especially the portions really take their toll on my ritual. The second is travel. The constant sitting, changes in time zone, sporadic cups of coffee and dehydration from lack of water, even more dining out at various restaurants... they all come together to form a cork in the bottle of life.

Well guess what, the last 2 weeks have been a storm of fine dining at various local establishments, not so fine air travel dining, and a trip to Scotland - obviously known for it's stellar cuisine. Suffice it to say, my return to work on Friday left me feeling like less than a king.

Now, I have enough experience in these matters to know how important it is to get back on track fast. So Sunday I went to the grocer, and picked up supplies to rally the troops. Kashi Go Lean! Crunch for one, and the makings for my famous spicy beans and rice glop for two. Literally for 2. I cooked up a batch of beans'n'rice and set to work. This would also be my lunch for the next few days.

Monday morning, Kashi. I don't know if you've had the delight that is Go Lean! Crunch, but it turns your insides into a bubbling primordial fart factory. That, combined with the beans'n'rice, left my office somewhat of a gas chamber through Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I had a 5 bean soup for lunch that only added to the aroma. I tried my usual method of "cropdusting," a surefire way to spread your stink so thin that it can't be pinned on you, but the volume was just too much. I just had to try to bury them in my desk chair. I'm surprised the wallpaper hasn't peeled off.

Needless to say I'm back in command of my kingdom. Master of my domain. Vive la Center Stall.

Short ride with His Fatness tonight at Rittenhouse. About an hour on the bike, the trails weren't super fun by any means, but it was nice to ride in good company. I'm looking forward to the century on Saturday. Though all these road miles have been killing my trail skills. I was riding with a vice grip on my handlebars tonight.